Monday, 2 May 2016

The Little Man on the Shoulder Called "Fear"

In the last year and a bit, I've had small health scares that caused anxiety until it was all sorted out. My singing voice has been slow to come back to where it once had been. About a year ago, it started going hoarse like at the beginning of my lymphoma journey in 2011. I mentioned it at my check up at the Cancer Centre a year ago. No lumps or swelling had been found at my check up and my blood levels were fine. No elevated white blood cells and no elevated proteins. I was referred to an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat specialist) to have a scope done. This happened in August of 2015. The scope showed to nodules on my larynx but no cancer. I was told to rest my voice (no speaking or singing) for 3 to 6 months. I was also told I was being referred to a speech therapist to learn how to speak properly. I'm still waiting for an appointment for the speech therapist. I was told it could take up to 2 years. In December, I went to an occupational therapist who specializes in musicians. She uses an alternative therapy called the Feldenkrais Method. I went for 4 sessions where she worked with my neck, shoulders, back and overall relaxation of the bodies muscles. After the first session, the resonance in my voice was already increased. By the end of the fourth session, I was able to sing like I used to AND I was able to play my flute with no discomfort in my throat area. The last session, I took my flute to the appointment at the request of my therapist. It was the first time that I was able to create a warm, resonant tone on the instrument since 2011!!

In the midst of my sessions, I realized that I needed to remove some of the stresses that were causing all the tension in my body. In the middle of January, I applied and was given a new job that is totally different from the music and teaching that I've been doing for over 25 years. I still have my home studio where I teach students in the evenings until 8 p.m. I have started a new job in retail within our local hospital. The bonus for me is that the hours are regular and involve no evenings or weekends. I've been enjoying life fully. I've been full joie de vivre. My weekends have been wonderful spending time with my hubby while we have been hiking and trying to be more active.

Last week, I went for my annual physical. In this era of instant result, I was able to access the results of some routine tests online. Something was flagged as "High". Friday morning, I spent time googling the results of that particular test. Sometimes a little information isn't good. The results of my test could be for a routine issue or it can be a warning that there may be a cancer involved. As I googled more information, I found out that one of the drugs used in my chemo can cause this specific cancer. So after 4 years of gradually coming out of a place of anxiety and fear, I found myself anxious and fear-ridden on Friday and Saturday. I talked to my hubby and then I started using some of my coping strategies I used while in the diagnosis and treatment stage 4 years ago. I took my fears and the "what ifs" and imagined opening that closet door in my mind labelled "What Ifs", throwing the fears in and slamming the door. Now I'll be calling my family doctor and seeing what is up.

The little man (fear) is back on my shoulder.

Friday, 13 February 2015

Hello Again!

Oh my!!! I can't believe I haven't posted since October 2014!!! Let me tell you that life has been very full but in a really good way. I took on more students in September and I have to admit that maybe it was too much. I thought my energy levels were good but I find myself very tired out by the end of the week. I remember being told that after chemo your energy never fully returns. Well, I am stubborn and refused to believe it. Now I have to admit that perhaps everyone was right....or I'm just getting older. Whatever the reason, I must admit that I am exhausted by the end of each week.

Like I mentioned, I've taken on more students. I seem to have a lot of beginner students this year and it is always so satisfying to see them enjoy learning the piano and to read the music. Although this tires me greatly, it is also fun. It warms my heart to have the young students run up to me to say hello if they see me outside of the teaching arena. My students participated in a Christmas recital at the end of December. Again it was very satisfying to see the students, especially the ones who were anxious about playing in front of people, perform very well and master their pieces. Teaching often brings a smile to my face even if I am tired.

In my spare time, I have been reading more this year. I love the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon and I started the series again. I was prompted to re-read this series after it was shown in the Fall on the Showcase channel on television. I thoroughly enjoyed the short series which will begin to air again in April. Meanwhile, I've started to read the books again and love them just as much as my first time through them. I find reading is very relaxing and it is an escape for me as I, through my imagination, am transported into the story.

I continue to try to make a difference in the world around me. Although this uses up some of my precious energy, I think it is important to help make a positive impact through my existence. I continue to play piano at our local hospital but it is now in the long term care ward. This is the ward where people are placed as they await openings in the local nursing homes. As I'm now three years removed from my cancer experience, I thought the strong urge to experience life in all its fullness would have lessened. No it hasn't! This may be due to the fact that more people I know have been diagnosed with cancer or their cancer has returned. I have been reminded again that life is very short as some of these people have lost their battle with cancer. This reminder affects me very deeply. I'm happy that I am still in remission but I am still assailed by emotions related to my cancer journey on the anniversary dates of my diagnosis, treatments and confirmed remission.

After 3 years, the worry I feel when I have a cold is still there although somewhat lessened. There's always the fear that these nagging colds, then flus and more colds are signs that the lymphoma has returned. Add into that all the menopausal symptoms that are the same as the lymphoma symptoms and I could get myself really worked up emotionally. When this starts to happen, I sit back and literally take a deep breath. I pray. I meditate. I surround myself with my activities and friends. I try to continue to counteract these negative emotions with positive emotions and interactions. I will not let fear rule my life and take away my pleasure of being remission!!

So in closing, all is well. I am still in remission. My next check up at the cancer clinic is in May. I continue to try to live life to its absolute fullest and enjoy new experiences as well as my regular enjoyable activities and interactions. My family has a "Blessing Jar" (or Perspective Jar) where I write on a slip of paper moments that are special to me. On New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, I will open it up with my family and we share the memories and blessings that occurred throughout the year. So far 2015 is one great year!!

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

How Our Actions Speak

Way back in February, my husband and I were celebrating Valentine's Day a little late at a fine dining establishment. We were stretching the budget to do this but we felt it was important to find some "our" time during the busy month and busy months to come. We really enjoyed our meal and some wine and cocktails to go with it. We were there for a couple of hours having a leisurely date. At the end of the meal, our check came. When the waitress delivered it to our table, she said that she had also been serving a lone young man who had a gift card for the restaurant. It was for an amount more than he had consumed and he told the waitress to put the rest of the gift card to our bill. What a kind and generous gesture!! It ended up covering our complete meal (appetizers, entrées and desserts). All we had to pay for was our drinks. To this day, this young man's "pay-it-forward" action continues to warm my heart.

As a Christian, I am often reminded that our actions reflect our faith. I strive to emulate Christ's love in my daily interactions. I say I strive, because I am human and I do have faults which mean that I am not always successful in showing loving generosity and patience in all situations. I think that the "pay-it-forward" trend is another way that we can make ourselves open to channelling the Holy Spirit if we listen to the nudge that comes from within us. I find when I act on the "internal nudge" of the Holy Spirit (our conscience?) then good things happen. I tend not to be too spontaneous as I fill my day with teaching lessons, chores, family errands and volunteer opportunities. However, when I am spontaneous and drop by a friend's place unannounced as I know they are struggling with life then I am rewarded with a warm glow, a deepened friendship and a day that continues to be fulfilling.

I think of the Good Samaritan story and I reflect that it would be very easy to just walk on by because I would make myself late for an appointment or I would convince myself that I really couldn't help because I'm not qualified (if someone fell for instance). But I also know that I have stopped to help people in the past. Sometimes my act of kindness is rebuffed but I still am filled with satisfaction and warmth. Other times, I may do an act of kindness and forget about it. And then the person who was on the receiving end of that act will mention it to others even years later. We don't know how our small actions may speak to others.

What we consider a minor gift of time, may actually bring tremendous joy and appreciation to someone. We often don't know. In the same way, what may be an instant reaction of impatience on my part, may also linger in a negative way that I am not aware of. I think of passing the homeless people on the street who are begging for money. I'm always uncomfortable passing by them. Am I uncomfortable because I'm ignoring that inner nudge to help? Or am I uncomfortable because I'm passing a harsh judgement on them inside my thoughts? There is one man that has pages of poems that he says he has written and passes them out. They are computer generated and I wonder if they are really his own writings and musings. Did he just copy and print them from another source on the computer? Or are they really his own? I will give him money as he passes it to me because he has taken time to print them off. He's not just standing with a hat in hand hoping for generous donations. He's offering something in return. However, I did pass another gentleman early one morning as he sat on the hard sidewalk in the early summer morning. He was with a couple of friends who also had their hats out on the ground looking for donations. I was on my way to do some shopping and I ignored them. I, again, felt that inner nudge (conscience or Holy Spirit?). I concluded my shopping and as I passed by them again I thought "My life is full, I have family to love me, food in my cupboards/freezer and money to buy wants not necessarily needs". So I dug into my purse and gave each of the 3 men some money. I realize that the money might go to support a habit. But maybe that small amount of money might buy them some food. I don't know but I do know that the "inner nudging" disappeared and I felt a little better as I continued on my way down the main street.

Our actions do speak very clearly about who we are. As I write this, I am reminded of the very generous kindnesses and donation of time that our "hosts" in The Netherlands extended to my husband and I this past July. They didn't need to donate 2 days of their busy lives to showing us around the area where my great uncle was in WWII. But because they did, we saw things that we wouldn't have known about (the significance or the location). It meant everything to my husband and me. We continue to be in contact with them and continue to receive many blessings from them as they have become more than acquaintances.

For me, if my actions are based on "what would Jesus do?", I have a much better day. If that means "paying it forward", then that's what I do. (As I just re-read this, I inadvertently read it as "praying it forward"...for me that is just as beneficial!). If it means taking a few minutes out of a hectic but full life to spend time with someone or help them out, then that's what I should do. Our actions speak more than we know and resonate with others in ways that we don't always comprehend.

Friday, 19 September 2014

Times of Sadness

Throughout my blog, specifically when I was being diagnosed with cancer and then throughout treatment, I have always said that it is alright to embrace each emotion that you feel. Don't wallow in that emotion, but acknowledge it, feel it and move on. I also acknowledged my feelings of grief and sadness during my recent trip to The Netherlands when I was following my Uncle Russell's footsteps in WWII and specifically in Operation Market Garden/Operation Berlin. I am going to share Uncle Russell's story with you in today's post but first I must acknowledge more feelings of sadness and grief.

During my visits to the Cancer Centre for treatments and check ups, I met a woman who is the sister to the wife of a man my husband works with. I met her multiple times and we talked about many things. We shared laughter. We shared our concerns of what the future would hold for us. We shared momentary triumphs and celebrated them in our brief encounters. I was very saddened today to learn that she passed away a few weeks ago. I have cried today for the life of a woman that was cut way too short.  She was so vibrant and funny. I am angry today. I'm angry because this disease called cancer has taken too many people in my life over the years. Of all the people I have known who had cancer, more have died than who have survived. This makes me feel very fortunate and reminds me to live each day to the fullest but it also makes me grieve for friends and relatives that didn't win the battle. So I'm acknowledging these emotions. They run very deep for me today. I WILL NOT linger in them and let them steal the blessings of today away from me.

Thanks for letting me share and now here is a heart-warming (at least for me) glimpse of my great uncle, Uncle Russell.

Lieutenant James Russell Martin
James Russell Martin was born on the family farm near the rural village of Bognor, Ontario, Canada on October 10, 1916.  Bognor is located southeast of Owen Sound, Ontario. He was the second youngest child of William and Eliza Martin.  Russell, as he was known, had 3 sisters (Margaret, Bessie and Mary) and 3 brothers (Willie, Dave and Arthur).  All the children were very intelligent but Russell outshone them all and was adored by all his siblings.

The children all attended an 1873 stone one-room schoolhouse located near their home. Russell was a brilliant student. In order for Russell to attend high school in Meaford, Ontario, Canada, William and Eliza had to pay room and board for him as the school was too far from home by horse and buggy or, in winter, when the roads were not plowed, by horse and cutter. During the depression era when few people could afford to attend high school, he not only completed Grade 13 but he was the top student at the Meaford High School. He was also a Captain in the Meaford High School Cadet Corps. As was common at the time, all the children, including Russell, spent many back-breaking hours helping out in the fields on the farm during a time when there was no electricity and cars were not in common use. All the boys helped with ploughing, planting, rock-picking, weeding and harvesting on hot afternoons although in that area there was often a slight breeze to help cool down the sweat-soaked men and boys.  Russell was full of life and always had a twinkle in his eye. He saw humour in every situation. He was quick-witted and brought fun and life to everyone around him. There were enough children in the Martin family that they would get together in the field near the house and play baseball. Fishing was also a favourite pastime that William passed along to his children. Laughter was often heard as Russell would pull harmless pranks and then be the recipient of harmless pranks in return. The Martin family was very close-knit. Russell was also an adventuresome person and was very similar to his sister, Bessie, in this regard. Russell had no interest in continuing the family tradition of farming and he could not wait to experience the world off the farm. Due to his keen mind, his father worked extra jobs brick laying in addition to farming so that Russell could go to university. He enrolled at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario, Canada to study Mining Engineering in 1936.  He graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Mining Engineering (B.Sc.) in 1940. He returned home for Christmas break in December 1939. His family was excited to see him and they all gathered at the family farm with Russell’s brother in-laws and his new nieces and nephew. Everyone brought contributions of food to add to the long tables set with tablecloths and filled with lots of food and jellies. Russell caught two rabbits to add to the table of food. After the Christmas Day feast which also included a stuffed goose, the Christmas candles on the Christmas tree in the living room were lit and the whole family gathered around the piano to sing Christmas carols. Russell’s mother, Eliza Martin, played the piano and was accompanied by Russell’s father, William Martin, who played the violin. All of the Martin clan had good singing voices.

The parents, William and Eliza, celebrated Russell’s visit home when a formal family picture was taken on December 28, 1939 at a photographer’s studio in Meaford. Front Row (Left to Right): Willie Martin, William Martin (father), Eliza Martin (mother), Arthur Martin. Middle Row (L to R): Dave Martin, Russell Martin, Margaret (Martin) Crosskill. Last Row (L to R): Mary Martin, Bessie (Martin) Shields. This was the last family picture ever taken and continues to be a treasure that is shared with the following generations in the family.

While at university, Russell met a girl from Sydenham, a village north of Kingston, who matched his wit, humour and zest for life. They were a perfect match! On November 6, 1940, Russell married Erma Leonard in Pembroke, Ontario.

After the wedding, he called his parents, William and Eliza Martin, to inform them of his marriage and he sent wedding announcements (not invitations) out to family the day before the wedding. His parents were hurt but were happy to hear he had got married in Calvin United Church. The whole family continued to adore Russell, forgave him and warmly welcomed him and his young wife whenever they came to Bognor to visit.

The family were so full of love for Russell and Erma that when Russell shipped out in July 1943 for England, the family had Erma visit in August 1943 and took her on a warm, summer’s day to Harrison’s Park (which is still there today) in Owen Sound for a picnic and then they stayed to listen to a band concert in the outdoor band shell. While Russell was in Pembroke, he was the assistant engineer of the camp with the civil service commission. He held this position for one year.  On October 2, 1941, he enlisted in the Army and due to his university schooling he was commissioned as a Second Lieutenant. According to his military record, he was 5 feet, 11 inches and 147 pounds. This would make him appear long and lanky which is still a Martin characteristic today. While waiting in the line at the recruitment centre in Toronto, Ontario, Russell Martin met another young man waiting to enlist named Russell Kennedy. Russ Kennedy was also an engineer who had studied at Queens University although they did not know each other as Russ Kennedy was a year behind Russell Martin. Due to their very similar personalities, a close friendship was forged as they went to Brockville, Ontario, Canada for training at the Officer Training Centre.  The two men completed their training and moved to the Royal Canadian Engineers training site at Petawawa Training Centre in Petawawa, Ontario. Russell Martin, now known as Russ outside his family in Bognor, and his best friend, Russ Kennedy were assigned together to the Brockville Officer Training Centre as instructors. This was surely a disappointment for Russell Martin considering his zest for life. Their friendship continued to flourish and they were fortunate to be assigned together to Trois Rivieres (Three Rivers), Quebec, then Sussex, New Brunswick to join the 23rd Field Company of the Royal Canadian Engineers. This was the beginning of their true adventures and active participation in the War. On June 5, 1943, Russell Martin was admitted to the Sussex Military Hospital with acute tonsillitis until June 14, 1943.  He was then granted sick leave from June 14 to June 19, 1943. Russell and his friend Russ Kennedy were shipped out to England on July 17, 1943. According to Russ Kennedy in his book “Boats, Bridges & Valour”, their commanding officer decided it was too confusing to have two lieutenants named Russ so Russell Martin became known as “Jimmy” as his full name was James Russell Martin. Also according to Russ Kennedy in his book “Boats, Bridges & Valour”, the two friends had some leave together and headed to London where they eventually found themselves at the dog races. Neither had ever been to dog races, so Russell Martin eavesdropped on some regular attendees’ discussions and then he and Russ Kennedy placed their bets accordingly. This proved to earn them $60 in winnings. This is another example of Russell Martin’s clever intelligence. The two best friends would continue being in the same company until Russell Martin’s demise in Operation Market Garden/Operation Berlin. According to a sapper from the 23rd Field Company named Don Sommerville, Russell Martin’s troops really liked him. He was described as a “square man” which means he was an all-around man who knew his job well, spoke well and was well liked.  The night of September 25/26, 1944, Lt. Russell Martin was voluntarily aboard the second storm boat launched from the south side of the Neder Rhine across from Oosterbeek.  He was going to be the officer in charge of organizing the evacuating men onto the storm boats from the north side of the river. According to Don Sommerville, the night was very dark and black with lots of rain and lightning. Unfortunately, Russell Martin’s boat received a direct hit by a German mortar and it killed all four men on the boat (Sapper Leslie Joseph Roherty, Sapper Harold Cecil Magnusson and Corporal William Daniel Ryan). Don Sommerville was told by someone who saw the boat get hit, that they saw a bright flash and the boat disappearing. The Martin family consoled each other when they received word that Russell Martin was listed as Missing in Action. When they received notice that he was officially declared dead, his wife, his parents and all his siblings were completely devastated. They could not talk about Russell for many years after that. Even now, 70 years later, there are mixed feelings of pride and sorrow amongst the Martin descendants.  He was a brilliant young man who was just at the start of his promising career. The world became a darker place for the Martin clan on September 25/26, 1944. The 23rd Field Company of the Royal Canadian Engineers also grieved the loss of Lt. James Russell Martin. As was their tradition to honour a fallen comrade, they built their next bailey bridge over the Albert Canal in Belgium and named it the Martin Bridge. It stood for 40 years before being replaced with a permanent bridge.

Russell earned 6 medals during his military service.  He received the Canadian Volunteer Service Medal and Clasp, the France and Germany Star, the Defence Medal, the 1939-1945 Star, the 1939-1945 War Medal and posthumously, from the Netherlands, The Bronze Lion, Order of Orange Nassau with Swords. Russell Martin’s younger brother, Arthur also fought as a rifleman during WWII and before he returned to Canada, he visited Russell’s grave in Elst Cemetery.

In 1946, Lt. James Russell Martin’s remains were moved and reburied in Holten Canadian Military Cemetery in Holten, Netherlands. Over the years, it has been mentioned many times amongst the Martin clan that they wished they could see Russell’s grave. Russell’s great-niece, Cathy, and her husband Scott Meyers were the next Martin kin to finally visit Russell Martin’s grave at Holten Cemetery almost 70 years later in 2014.  What an emotional visit that was!! Cathy had mixed emotions of grief and happiness to finally “meet” Uncle Russell.

Friday, 22 August 2014

Living Each Day to The Fullest

I can't believe another month has gone by and that it is almost time for the children to go back to school!! I've continued to live life to the fullest since I've been back home from holidays. I've enjoyed working in my gardens as I try to dig out the weeds and gain control of the gardens. I didn't really plant my vegetable garden this year because I knew I would be away and it would have become choked out with weeds. This was a smart decision because when I came home you couldn't see where I had planted some carrots and a couple of pepper plants or the one lone tomato plant. The first thing I tackled was my vegetable garden.

As I dug out and pulled the weeds (roots and all), I thought about my Uncle Russell (from my mom's side of the family) and how I was going to write an account of his life which included his personality. How do you write about someone and make them come to life when you didn't even know them?! So I pondered this as I pulled the weeds. I thought about my grandma and how much I miss her. I thought about Uncle Russell's other siblings that I knew well into my own adulthood. I remembered the various reunions and how much fun the Martin clan was to play baseball with and the pranks and family love that infused the events. As I pulled weeds out of the vegetable garden and then the first of the flowerbeds, I also pulled up memories of my great-grandmother from when I was a little girl. I remembered her as being in her late 80's as she sat in a rocking chair in my great-aunt's (Aunt Mary) home. The rocking chair was always in the kitchen by the window so that Great-Grandma could be part of the conversations that always took place in the kitchen. She was a small, frail woman when I knew her. It was always hard to imagine that she had seven children back in the early 1900's. Being a fanciful, imaginative little girl, I was slightly afraid of Great-Grandma. She had an old, crackly voice, that I now know as just being from old age, but at the time reminded me of the old witch in "Hansel and Gretel". What I didn't recognize at the time but I do now in my memories, was the gentle smile that often graced her wizened, wrinkled face. If only I could go back in time, talk with her and make the most of the short amount of time I knew her. However, being a child, I didn't recognize the importance of knowing her. I do remember her being sick once when we came to visit Aunt Mary and my sister and I were given permission to go upstairs to visit Great Grandma. We crept up the stairs quietly because we didn't want to waken her if she was asleep. I remember Great Grandma being awake and in a big bed with lots of covers and pillows. She motioned us in and we spent a little bit of time with her beside her bed. This is one of the last memories I have of Great Grandma because she died not long after. In hindsight, she looked a lot like my grandma as my grandma got older. I've been told that I look like my grandma. Although these memories of Great Grandma are hazy, I do remember a sense of warmth and love when I put aside my childhood imaginings.

So as I've spent the last month working in the gardens and pulling up weeds and memories, I've been working on a project for the Co-ordinator of the Visitors' Centre at Holten Canadian War Cemetery, Mr. Gert Jan van Holt. When we were there in July, he asked me to write up an account of Uncle Russell's life including who he was as a person. It's taken me 3 weeks as I've interviewed Uncle Russell's nieces and nephew who would have known him personally. Of course, these family members were only 4 or 5 years old when he joined the Canadian Army as part of the 23rd Field Company of the Royal Canadian Engineers. So through the telephone interviews, I've received diaries from 2 of his sisters and various memories from his nieces and nephew. I've also received pictures of Uncle Russell and his wife, Aunt Erma. As I've sorted through all the information, I was surprised to discover that I could see his personality emerging. I was flabbergasted and stunned with the type of person he was according to family accounts and memories! My oldest brother has a sense of humour and personality that we always wondered where it came from. His sense of humour was not like my dad's and not like my maternal grandfather's. What I recognized was that my brother's sense of humour and personality is very much like what Uncle Russell's! Now my project was becoming much easier to write. I finished it a couple of days ago but have spent the last 2 days editing it. I finished it last night and it is now sent off to the Netherlands.

This has been such a treasure and joy to work on. I can honestly say that I have smiled with warmth and humour but I have also shed tears of grief as I've learned who Uncle Russell was. If he hadn't died in WWII, I would definitely have known him well as I did his siblings.

I have been reminded again constantly the importance of living life to the absolute fullest. So I've taken time in the last few weeks to play some golf and continue with my golf lessons. My husband and I have been able to continue our enjoyment of lingering beers and food on the local restaurant patios on Fridays after work. We've included our son in these too. Unfortunately, our daughter has to work on Friday nights. But I've spent time with her as we've gone to the mall and had lunch out. I had promised her at the beginning of the summer that we would go for sushi together for lunch at her favourite sushi restaurant. We did this and had a very enjoyable time. She laughed at my attempts to use chopsticks. Throughout my life, I've tried to use chopsticks occasionally and I'm never successful. My daughter patiently showed me and I ate my full meal using chopsticks!

As I've been grabbing life with both hands and enjoying the ride, my husband and I have been going out on his Honda Goldwing. We try to go out every weekend and sometimes even during the week. Last weekend, we drove to visit friends who we haven't seen in about 10 years. They dropped by our home while I was in chemotherapy but I didn't seem them because I was having a rough day. Our visit was truly enjoyable and full of love and warmth even though we drove through heavy rain on the bike to get there. We played cards, stayed overnight, had a wonderful breakfast, saw both their children who are about the same age as our's, and then visited a bird sanctuary. It was a weekend full of love, warmth, good friendship and positive vibes. I truly am blessed!!

In my humble opinion, this is what life is about. Filling each day with positive experiences and creating warm lasting memories, truly is what make life fun and vibrant. Sure we have careers and responsibilities but we do not need to let the drudgery pull us down. As I've read the diaries as part of my research of Uncle Russell, I saw that the women who wrote them had full days of hard labour on the farm during a time when there was no electricity or "gadgets" to make life easier. But despite the long hours of hard work, they made time to visit with family and friends in the community to have fun. I learned from reading these entries about playing cards and going to dances at the local community centres. I think our society has lost our ability to BE a community and involved. We, myself included, are more prone to individual pursuits and isolation. I truly believe that living each day to the fullest is tiring but so well worth the effort. I like nothing better than to fall into bed at night fully satisfied and joyful from connecting with the people around me. I find it helps fill my life with love and warmth.

In a future post, I will post my account of Uncle Russell's life. Have a super weekend!!

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Until We Meet Again Holland

At the end of last week, we spent time exploring the Mookeheide by foot.  What an enjoyable day it was and a nice break after all the emotional two days before that.  It was very warm as we walked and hiked but once we were within the shade of the trees in the Mookeheide, it was cool and refreshing.  Thursday, July 24 we went back to Oosterbeek to visit the Airborne Museum and then on to Arnhem to visit the small but surprisingly thorough Arnhem Museum.  The Airborne Museum was very interesting and in the bottom floor, there was a display with live sounds and shouts to make you feel you were there in the midst of the battle and evacuation.  The Arnhem Museum was good but there was no one there to give us a tour in English so we were loaned a guide book with the labels of the artifacts in English.  We saw a German mortar gun and shell which is most likely similar to what hit my uncle's boat as he went across the Neder Rhine.  I found the museums brought forth quite a bit of emotion again and by the end of the day, I was exhausted.

On Friday, July 25, we decided to do something totally different.  We went to the Krohler-Muller Museum of Art which was recommended to me by a friend of mine here at home.  To get to the museum, we drove through a nature reserve/park and we were very surprised to see a desert area complete with sand dunes.  The Krohler-Muller Museum was full of orginals of Dutch painters, Vincent Van Gogh and a special exhibit of Seurat paintings.  After going through the museum, we wandered through the grounds which was another exhibit area of sculptures.  It was very interesting.  After our tour of the museum and sculpture exhibit, we borrowed two bikes from the bike loan area and went for a short tour through the surrounding parkland by bike (on the bike paths of course).  This was fun although I know that scared a lot of the other bikers around us as I haven't been on a bike regularly in over 30 years.  I was a little wobbly and so when I met people on the paths or they were passing me, I would deliberately go off the path so I wouldn't wobble into them.  I obviously need practise but I think I could get into riding a bike again.  It was a day of wonder and something completely different to what we had been doing in Holland up to that point. When I arrived back at our cottage/house, I immediately went to work on doing laundry so that I wouldn't have mountains to do when I arrived home in Canada.  It made for a very late night.

On Saturday morning, we said good bye to our "home" and set off for Amsterdam as part of our travels home to Canada.  We arrived in Amsterdam too early to check in at the hotel, so we decided to drive to Zaanstreek as this was also on our "to do" list while in Holland.  We parked the car and enjoyed a stroll through the area.  I loved all the old windmills, sawmill, cheese house and various boutiques.  This is obviously a tourist area but we did enjoy it.  Then we headed back to Amsterdam to our hotel where we checked in.  Our breakfast for the next couple of days was a combination of the herbed gouda cheese and clementines that we had brought with us from our "cottage".  On Sunday, we took the train into Amsterdam and spent the day there.  I really enjoyed seeing all the old architecture as we took a canal tour by boat.  The boat tour started out as an adventure.  While we waited onboard for the captain to be ready to go, we were banged with quite a jar from another boat.  Thank goodness these tour boats are built to withstand such abuse.  It really did make me wonder about the qualifications of the people they hire for "captains".  However, once we were underway, it was an enjoyable tour.  After the tour, we had some lunch at a café terrace and then we walked to the Anne Frank House where we had a tour booked for 2:30 p.m.  I found the visit to the Anne Frank House very poignant and I could almost feel the terror of the residents of the "house" because as we walked on the wooden floors, the slightest step would create a creak which would definitely be heard down below in the warehouse. The house is deliberately not furnished so that we have a sense of what Anne Frank's father witnessed when he returned after the war.  The living area had been completely ransacked and emptied out by the Germans.

After our visit to the Anne Frank House, we wandered the streets making our way back up to the train station.  We enjoyed a lovely dinner on a terrace that overlooked the canals.  It was interesting to notice the smell of marijuana as people walked by enjoying their smoke. We made our way back to the train and once on the train, we were seated opposite a young couple from Wisconsin.  We chatted and before we knew it, we had arrived at our stop at the Airport.  Our hotel was directly beside the airport.

On Monday morning, we had a leisurely morning and caught the hotel shuttle to the airport so we would be there for our check in time of 1:00 p.m.  There had been thunder storms throughout the early morning but our flight indicated it was still on time.  However, this was not to be.  Due to the storms in the morning, everything was backed up.  Our flight from Amsterdam to Frankfurt ended up being delayed by 3 hours.  This meant we missed our connecting flight from Frankfurt to Toronto.  We were treated very well though by Lufthansa (the airline) who put us up in a Ramada Inn for the night and included a dinner buffet for Monday night as well as a breakfast buffet for Tuesday morning.  The agents at the airport found a new way for us to get home.  We would catch the United Airlines flight from Frankfurt to Newark, New Jersey and then catch a connecting United Express flight from Newark, New Jersey to Toronto and then on the last flight from Toronto to our hometown.  So off we set on Tuesday morning with the hotel shuttle to make our way home.  All the flights were running on time so this was a good omen for us....or so we thought.  We got on the flight from Frankfurt to Newark, New Jersey and before it took off, we were informed that we were upgraded to Business Class (first class).  What a bonus!!!  I had positively been drooling with envy when we walked through the Business Class area to get to our Economy Class seats.  I ended up with a tremendous amount of leg room.  The seats could be fully reclined to make beds! We had complimentary and unlimited drinks (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) as well as a three course meal!  Oh the luxury!!  I loved it!!! This certainly helped pass the 8 1/2 hour plane trip in comfort!

When we arrived at Newark, New Jersey, we had to go through "Passport Control" (customs) and then pick up our baggage and re-check it to continue on to Toronto.  Ooops....our enjoyable glow from our Business Class experience came to an abrupt end.  The line up was tremendous and the United States government had only 4 kiosks open.  We stood in line for 1 1/2 hours to get through "Passport Control".  We missed our connecting flight to Toronto!  Now we had to wait for another flight which was 3 hours later. We finally made our way home and arrived in our house at 1:00 a.m. this morning.  We literally dropped our luggage in the living room and I fell into bed.  We had been up for more than 24 hours and I was exhausted.

I'll spend the next couple of days getting back into this time zone.  This has been the trip of a lifetime even with the glitches in the air travel. I'm a little numb but there are some definite highlights to the trip.  I'll get adjusted and then I hope to organize my self and memories.  I took tons of pictures which always nudge open the door of my memories. My pictures will help me feel and remember this wonderful trip.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Cathy Conquered Cancer Living List (Bucket List)

These last two days in Holland have been incredible!  This trip to Holland was one of the major items on my Cathy Conquered Cancer Living List which I made while I was undergoing chemotherapy in 2012. The activities I've engaged in are the culmination of my husband's research into my Great Uncle Russell's demise during Operation Market Garden in WWII.  My husband's interest was peaked throughout the years as I always recount the stories my grandma and my mom would tell me about Uncle Russell.  Of course, I never knew him as I was born many years after WWII.  My mom was very, very good in keeping his memory alive by showing me pictures and telling me how he died.

My husband started researching Uncle Russell's movements from 1939 onwards. He contacted the Canadian Government and various internet sites dealing with Operation Market Garden. Uncle Russell was part of the Canadian Royal Engineers 23rd Field Company. My husband has been in touch with various people who have helped him with his research through the last several years.  One gentleman from one of these sites suggested my husband should contact another gentleman named Lt. Russell Kennedy who was also part of the Royal Canadian Engineers 23rd Field Company. As it turned out, Lt. Kennedy lived in the same city that we were living in! My husband called him up to make an appointment to meet with Mr. Kennedy. You must realize that this was more than 60 years after the end of WWII. My husband asked Lt. Kennedy if he had known Lt. Russell Martin. What a gift to us it was to have Mr. Kennedy (who actually had retired from the military as a Colonel) say that Uncle Russell was his best friend!!

After reading and researching, my husband was contacted by a lady in Holland who was also researching the seven men from the Royal Canadian Engineers 23rd Field Company.  She is trying to make sure that these seven men who died during Operation Market Garden are not forgotten.  She is trying to give each man's name a picture and story to go with it.  To make a very long story a little shorter, she offered to be our "host" if we ever came to Holland.  So for the last two days, Alice van Bekkum has very generously and graciously been our guide as we wanted to visit the various places where Uncle Russell had been.

My husband found a house to rent for 10 days. It is surrounded by a conservation area which during WWII saw intense fighting as the Allied Forces clashed with the German forces to try and take control of the area. My Uncle Russell was not involved with this part of the campaign. The living room in this house has a complete wall that is one huge picture window.  As I sit inside the house, I feel like I am outdoors.  I can see the various coloured birds flitting around and I can hear their chirps and bright songs.  I can hear the breeze rustling through the leaves of the trees. These same trees have witnessed the fighting that took place here 70 years ago!!  But I digress from my adventures of the last 2 days. Two days ago, Alice arrived at our location to pick us up and lead us on a very grand and emotional adventure.  My husband had been in touch with her via email but he'd not met her or talked with her on the phone before. I was a little nervous but very quickly was at ease with Alice. What a delightful woman with such an abundance of energy and drive!  Our first stop was at the Nationaal Bevrijdingsmuseum 1944-1945 (Liberation Museum). This museum is divided up into three sections which told the story of Holland and how the Germans invaded and occupied Holland, then how Holland was liberated by the Allied Forces and then post war Holland.  This museum has a Memorial Hall that is a separate building.  It has been built to look like a parachute and contains all the names of those men in the Allied Forces who were killed during the liberation of Holland. There was a book with the emblem of the Royal Engineers mounted on the wall above it.  Alice's husband went into the Memorial Hall, while my husband and I were still in the museum, and opened up the book to Uncle Russell's name.  This hall had soft classical music playing in the background which was very soothing. There was a place to leave a message on a piece of paper. As I sat at the table to write my message, my heart was overcome with emotion. I had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I hung my message on the hook with the other messages. I was overwhelmed because there were so many names in all the books in this room. These are not just names but each name was a person and has a story with family behind the name. Each name has generations that have not been able to know them. Each name is an "Uncle Russell"!

After the Bevrijdingmuseum, we drove to a road called Klein Amerika (Little America) where there was a field with a monument showing the dropping zone of the 82nd Airborne. The day was wet and gray so we were unable to get good pictures of the monument. My husband and I may return there in the next couple of days to get a picture as it isn't far from where we are staying.  Alice had a wonderful itinerary set out for us. Due to the amount of time we took in the first museum, we had to forego the Airborne Museum.  My husband and I will go there on our own in the next couple of days. Alice then took us to Oosterbeek where we enjoyed a nice lunch before continuing on our way to Westerbouwing.  This was an area of very high ground on the Neder Rijn (Rhine River) across and down river from where Uncle Russell died. Alice showed us approximately where Uncle Russell's boat would have been launched from on the other side of the river (but upstream). As I looked at the view upstream, my heart was full with emotions. The rain had stopped briefly but it was overcast.  All I could think was that Uncle Russell had been doing this in the dark of night, in very wet, windy and cold conditions.

Next on our itinerary was a visit to an old church where the British and Polish paratroopers had hidden waiting for the Royal Engineers (British and Canadian) to rescue them and help them evacuate. The stone walls on the outside of the church still have the bullet holes that were from the Germans shooting at the paratroopers. The house beside the church was owned by a woman who helped look after the wounded British and Polish paratroopers. Alice mentioned that this lady died a number of years ago as she was hit by a car while she tried to cross the road in front of her house.  The road is a highway and there are some very tight curves right at that spot. We had to be careful ourselves as we crossed the road to get back to Alice's car. Before we left the church/house, Alice showed us the path that the paratroopers would have taken to run through gunfire to get to the rescue boats that came to evacuate them.

Our next stop was to the Engineers Monument in Driel/Arnhem. This was a very emotional time for me!! At this location, is where my Uncle Russell would have helped unload the storm boats and carry them across the fields and two dikes in order to get to the Neder Rijn (Rhine River).  I stood on the road where the truck carrying him would have driven and stopped. As I looked downstream, I could see Westerbouwing where I had just been on the high ground. This is also where the Germans had been (at Westerbouwing) and where the mortar or 88mm shell (no one will ever know for sure which one was used) was launched from that made the direct hit on Uncle Russell's boat. As I write this I again feel the very strong emotions of grief but also a close feeling to Uncle Russell as I stood where he walked and worked.  It was time to move along as the drizzle started to get a little heavier.  Our next stop was in Elst which is a small village downstream.

We went to a small Dutch General Cemetery (community cemetery) in Elst. On the edge of the river at Elst is where Uncle Russell's body was found. He was then buried in this General Cemetery for a brief time before he was moved to Holten Cemetery.  Alice showed us the space where Uncle Russell had been buried. It is an area where there are is a military grave, then a space (big enough for another grave) filled with flowers and an evergreen shrub and then another military grave.  So the garden area is flanked on either side by 2 military graves. Near the graves was a very old tree and again, I had a moment of emotion as this tree would have witnessed my Uncle Russell being buried. Thus ended our first day with Alice.

Yesterday morning, we met Alice at her home.  The only thing on the agenda was a visit to Holten Cemetery to see Uncle Russell's grave and then a nice dinner out with Alice and her husband.  A small way to thank them for their wonderful hospitality.  We left their home and drove to Holten via a route into Germany. We had a small lunch in Holten at Bakkery Nijkamp and then I bought some flowers (red and white roses) to leave with Uncle Russell. In preparation to visit Uncle Russell's grave, I had contacted my mom, uncle and aunt to see what messages they wanted left on Uncle Russell's grave.  The Dutch Legion sells wooden poppy crosses that you can write a message on and leave on the grave.  I had bought a Canadian flag at the National Bevrijdingsmuseum so that I could leave that at the grave as well. After buying the flowers, off we went to Holten Cemetery.  It is located outside of the village and to get there we drove through a beautiful country lane/road that meandered through the woods.  The cemetery is very impressive.  We found his grave.  I had six poppy crosses with messages. Five of these were from Uncle Russell's immediate nieces and nephew. I inserted them in the ground along the base of his headstone. My own cross with the message, I placed in front.  I felt that I am a great-niece and should be that one generation removed, hence my cross was not place right next to the headstone.  I inserted the Canadian flag on the left beside the headstone.  I pushed the stems of the red and white roses into the dirt on the right beside the headstone so they looked like fresh flowers in a vase.  Alice had brought along a beautiful candle in a red pillar holder with a gold metal top.  I lit the candle and placed it in front of everything else.  After all the various pictures were taken, I took a number of moments to sit and pray and "commune" with Uncle Russell.  How I wish I had been able to know him. I felt close to him at that moment.  With my throat tight, my eyes full of tears, it was time to go.  I was off to the Visitors' Centre at Holten Cemetery to meet a gentleman named Gert Jan van Holt who is attempting to collect pictures and the family story of each soldier that is buried in Holten Cemetery.  I met Mr. van Holt and have promised to write as full an account of Uncle Russell as I can.  Not so much his military movements, which my husband has researched, but more the personal, family background. After meeting Mr. van Holt, we toured the Visitors' Centre and watched a movie which was narrated by Mr. van Holt.

We ended our day with Alice and her husband by taking them out to dinner to a restaurant of their choice.  Alice is very involved with the Legion and has just joined the Canadian Legion in Holland as well.  She has been to this restaurant for meetings but had never been for dinner.  It was called Canadian Restaurant Mondani and is located in Lochem.  We enjoyed a lovely dinner and the food was excellent.  The two husbands had buffalo steak, Alice had Pacific Cedar Planked Salmon and I had a venison steak with Saskatoon berries.  It was all very good and we shared much laughter.  A new friendship has been born these last couple of days with Alice.

I can now put a big check mark beside "Trip to Holland" on my Cathy Conquered Cancer Living List.  It might be interesting to now do a trip from Normandy where Uncle Russell landed and travel in his footsteps up through Belgium into Holland. Hmmmm....I think I had better add this to my Living List.