Day 19 - 3rd Chemo Cycle - "Alone"

I have a couple of days to myself with no one around.  Am I going to feel lonely?  Get depressed?  These were my thoughts when I was in the house last night by myself athough I do have my trusty cat, Frodo, with me.  He didn't leave my side all night long.

I awoke this morning at 7 a.m. to Frodo meowing to be fed.  I was still very tired, so I fed him and changed his water and went back to bed.  Next time I woke up it was 10:45 a.m.  This is so unlike me!!  Anyway, up I got and started my morning routine.  I read the paper, then the daily reading in "The Friendship Book 2012", the daily reading in "The Book of Awakening" and an excerpt from a more light-hearted book called "The Book of Awesome".

I'm also following a Lenten Study from my church which is focusing on the "song of my soul".  As I followed the outline, I came across hymns which would be sung as a group at the study.  So off I went to the piano and started to play the hymns.  Playing hymns has continued to be a challenge for me, not musically but because I want to sing them.  I found this morning I was playing the hymns as if I was singing them and I was singing quietly in my head.  At the end of the music, I just sat quietly with no background noise and felt comfort and peace.  This may have been me listening to my soul.  What I realized was I still have the same ability to worship!!  This was a huge breakthrough as I've been mourning the loss of my singing voice for the last three months.

I continued to let my mind wander and ponder various aspects of comfort and peace.  My pondering led me to think of all the different religions and Christian denominations that have been represented by my friends' prayers, support, and positive vibes since the beginning of my journey with cancer.  These various forms of religion include Wicca, Buddhism, and Christianity (Catholic, United Church of Canada, Baptist, Morman, Wesleyan, Anglican, and Pentacostal).  As I pondered the various religions and my friends that participate in these religions, I wondered why can we not be open and accept everyone without judgement.  We're all there for each other and bring positive aspects to our world.  In the end it all makes the world a better place.  How wonderful it was to have a quiet household with no activity and the opportunity to think deeply without interruption.

After my devotion/meditation time, I realized it was time for lunch.  I had some lentil soup and then was energized to spend time outside in the warm sunshine.  I dug out the gardening gloves and the rake.  I was going to tackle the leaves along the fences which were leftover from the Fall when I had no energy to finish them up.  Before I even started, I had a wonderful visit with my neighbours as I leaned against the fence.  At the end of the visit, I managed to get one fence line of leaves raked and put into our composter.  Then I was tired.  So I put away the rake and gloves but I didn't want to go back inside.  It was so nice out in the sun.  I went inside and got the novel I'm currently reading.  I put out a patio chair in the sun and sat down with my book to soak up the lovely warmth of the sun which was soaking through to my bones while I read my book.  But....as anyone who knows me well, it is difficult to sit still.  The bird feeder was empty so I found the birdseed and filled the feeder.  Now I can sit and read my book.  But....I saw that my garden lamps were lopsided because of the ground freezing and thawing.  So up I got and straightened them out.  Now I'm happy and can sit and read.  But.....then I heard the various bird songs and activity.  I looked up and saw birds chirping and flitting playfully about.  I saw sparrows, black-capped chickadees which have a spot of yellow on the belly near the wing, Carolina chickadees which have a pale yellow belly, red-winged blackbirds, a seagull and some robins.  The chickadees and sparrows were coming very close to me as I sat still and quiet on the patio.  Our patio is surrounded by grape vines and the birds would go to the feeder, then flit to the grape vines to crack open the seeds and eat the meat of the seed.  It was fun to watch the activity.  Then my eye caught sight of a black squirrel.  I watched it scamper and frolick through the tree branches.  Then it tried to leap from one branch to another.  My heart leaped to my throat as the squirrel just made it as it clung and scrabbled for footing on the branch.  I watched it cling with its front claws and then haul itself up to safety.  The black squirrel then continued to scamper across the branch in the sunshine and out of sight.  Although I didn't get as much read from my book as I had hoped, it was very peaceful and comforting to watch the antics of the birds and the squirrel.

Even as a young child, I loved nature and the outdoors.  There's nothing like walking through the quiet woods in winter and taking the time to identify the different pawprints of the forest residents.  Then there's walking through the same forest in the hot summertime when the shade of the trees provides you with a coolness that cannot be imitated.  Today was a magnificent day as I enjoyed one of my most favourite activities.  I soaked up the healing warmth of the sunshine while I read a good book.  I listened and immersed myself in nature.  This truly was a balm to the spirit!!